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The Fence
There was a large group of people. On one side of the group stood Jesus. On the other side of the group stood Satan. Separating them, running through the group, was a fence. 
      
The scene set, both Jesus and Satan began calling to the people in the group and, one by one - each having made up his or her own mind - each went to either Jesus or Satan. 
       
This kept going. Soon enough, Jesus had gathered around him a group of people as did Satan. 
      
But one man joined neither group. He climbed the fence that was there and sat on it. Then Jesus and his people left and disappeared. So too did Satan and his people. And the man on the fence sat alone. 
      
As this man sat, Satan came back, looking for something which he appeared to have lost. The man said, "Have you lost something?" Satan looked straight at him and replied, "No, there you are. Come with me." 
      
"But", said the man, "I sat on the fence. I chose neither you nor Jesus." 
      
"That's okay," said Satan. "I own the fence." I had come to collect that fence and since you are on it , you are mine.


Waiting for marriage
 
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Witty Oneliners

Life isn't fair but neither is death.

We could handle life's stress if we could find the handles.

When there's someone around to make change the change machine works perfectly, and when there isn't it doesn't.

Relax, otherwise you might die all tensed up.

Mediocrity always succeeds over originality.

No matter how much I exercise my body, it refuses to go away and leave me alone.
_______________________

"I want patience...
AND I WANT IT NOW!!!"

Everyone has a photographic memory,
some just don't have enough film.

If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

A diplomat thinks
twice before saying nothing.

A critic is a man
who leaves no turn unstoned.

Questionable Answers

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you lost them.

Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast.

Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.

Q: Why do elephants float on their backs?
A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.

Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish.. clomp,clomp,clomp, swish.. clomp,clomp,clomp, swish..?
A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!
______________________

Q: What doesn't get any wetter no matter how hard it rains?
A: The ocean.

Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?
A: A conversation.

Q: Why is a crossword like a quarrel?
A: One word leads to another.

I am going to be. . .

One young man was riding his bicycle across a university campus. A passerby
saw that a message on the front of his T-shirt announced his occupational goal: "I AM GOING TO BE A DOCTOR."
 
As the cyclist rode on, the passerby noticed a sign on the rear of his bicycle : "I AM GOING TO BE A MERCEDES."

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Be Blessed!